363

It's been quite a while since I last visited you.
But I felt like a part of me was missing. Haha. Not really.
But it kinda feels good to be writing my messy life on here.
And the fact that no one probably reads my blog anymore makes it even better.
I can just rant on and on for as long as I please..

A lot has happened since I last blogged.
A LOT of things.
My life has gone out of control and in a downward spiral.
I've only realized this just recently and am now trying desperately to revive
it and bring it the splendor it was before. I regret even getting into all this
mess. Sure its fun. But every weekend? Multiple times a week? for THREE MONTHS?
Craziness.
I don't know what had gotten in me.
But February definitely was not a good month.
Terrible.
Very emotionally draining.
I guess that's why I was like fuck it and decided to go crazy in March.
March was fun.
I don't really remember what happened in March.
I wonder why I would do that.
Now that April has hit, graduation is less than two months away.
My grades are alright. But I need to bring my physics grade up.
Everything else will most likely be an A or a B by the end of this semester which is fine.
Detentions, serve/clear them.
Community service hours? Almost done
WEE hours? Mrs. Holm. And I only need 10 more.

Visited UCSD this past weekend. The campus is amazing. And HUGE. Like literally huge. It has six colleges on the campus, medical center/medical school. multiple parking structures.. crazy. If I had to compare it to something its probably like LLA/LLE + LLU + some more. Although I went by myself I had a good time. It made me really excited about going there for school next year. Sunny socal, minutes from the beach, surfing excursions, rock climbing gym 15 minutes from the school, great people, awesome food, RUBIO's on campus = fish taco tuesdays = ME FAT. The dorms are really nice too. Co-ed with guys on one floor, girls on the other. Each of the rooms is connected to a central hub/lobby. Each floor has a kitchen. Shared Bathrooms. Pretty nice.

I've pretty much wasted my life away these past few months..
Didn't even do much climbing..
Did nothing..
So stupid.
SO pissed about that.

School is more lonely than ever. I feel like everyone hates me for some reason. I feel like all the teachers hate me. I swear if it wasn't for Hannah, I probably would never go to school anymore. Having no friends at school is really painful. I have a hard time figuring out whether I'm more lonely at home by myself, or at school surrounded by all those people.

Thanks Hannah for being such a great friend to me. You've been everything to me these past few months. You've helped me through a lot of hard times and just supported me. And was just there for me, even to just listen and I really appreciate that. Even though we didn't talk too much last year for whatever reason, when I started talking to you again this year I was glad to know that our friendship didn't change. You are one of the greatest friends I have ever had and I will cherish the memories we've had. Thanks so much. You're like a little sister to me. You have no idea how grateful I am for you and how much you mean to me. Love you.

Thresh fam.. Including Greg haha. Sad that I consider Greg a Threshold person rather than a school person? not really. Because he is. And so am I. My true life is at Thresh. Anyways. I love all of you guys to death. Its amazing how close we've all gotten so quick. Back in the summer we were all strangers but now we're a close knit family that has each other's backs and cares and looks out for each other. I'm really glad to have met all of you. You guys have changed my life, literally, whether good or bad I won't even consider because when all is said and done, I believe I've changed for the better. You guys mean so much to me. All of you guys. Aaron, Brandon, Bern, Tony, Tofu, Greg, Ashton, Peter, Heather, Matt, Ronan, JD, and whomever I might be forgetting right now.

Tofu.. You have been my closest friend this year. Its crazy how close we became. I don't even remember how it all happened. I think it started with Team Flux during the summer, me you, greg, kirsten and ed. I love you so much bro and don't know what I'd do without you. You know I have your back and I know you have mine. You've helped me a lot. And I hope I helped you a lot as well. Even the small things you do for me, I really appreciate it. Thanks. Lightning and Thunder. And many more of our inside jokes. Love you bro..

uhhh... idk..
I need to let all this stuff out somewhere. Too much to talk to someone about. It'll take forever.

hmmm..what else.

Shasta you are amazingly beautiful and gorgeous. I really hope you find someone good for yourself. Because you truly deserve the best. I really miss seeing you around at school and talking to you. I really miss your bright and cheery smile and attitude you always carried. Just keep smiling my darling.

Well I'm not tired at all right now..
Play some video games until I knock out.
FFVI :)
so much fun replaying it. for like the 4th time..
Good night.

Much Love.

Peace

362

Last night was pretty fail..
the weekend before however.. that was bomb.
This weekend however, will be bomb ;)
Man too much partying.. but its ok
because its spring break next week. I can do whatever.
No more calculus after this week!
Just gotta study hard for today tomorrow and tuesday and its done.
Nothing to worry about.
College English almost done.
And it will be even easier because I won't have to worry about calculus.

Thank you Nicole. Even though I kept you up unnecessarily. I appreciate it. Remember if you ever need someone.

Thank you Hannah. Even though I was going crazy and tried to give you like five billion hickies. Thanks for putting up with it.

Later geees

Peace.

361

This week...
This weekend sent me back into the past. Filled with regret. Felt good to get it out. But its got me thinking again. But I'm getting over it. Good. Good job Jon.
Didn't sleep at all Monday night. Two hours on Tuesday.
Passed out last night on my bed doing hw.

I would talk about what's been troubling me this week on here..but I promised not to tell anyone to my father.. And I take promises very seriously.. Even though I break them here and there. I make my best effort to keep them.. And I just feel so guilty.. growing I was told to never break a promise.. And I had been doing pretty good. But recently I don't know whats the matter with me. I feel like a different person has just taken over. Like an alter ego. He's just so much darker.

But betrayal sucks. Especially from someone so close. Your own brother.
How tragic.. I don't know how you can forgive him for all that. You have all
my respect. And I apologize for being such a bad son.

Family.. I wish my family was close. I hated the holidays because I knew that while everyone else was having a good time, even if they weren't that well off, they would have a good time with their families, I would just be at home. Just like any other day.

Thank you blogger for continuing to eat my shit. Day after day after day.

mmmmm as I wait for my food..

I have so much more I want to say..

But not on here.

Laters gee.

Peace.

I think I'll stop at 365

Count down..
Last night was bomb.
Got pretty drunk..
Let out a lot of stuff I had been holding back for years.
Said some things I probably should never have said.
But what's done is done.
I just have to reap my consequences.
I have never been that emotional before ever. Crazy.
Probably because I had been depressed the past couple weeks
and the alcohol just got me going crazy.
Well I feel a bit better after having gotten that stuff out.
But..Ugh All I ever seem to say to you is sorry..
I think I've said that at least a thousand times to you.
Why can't I just move past everything?
Anyways.
Good night
Laters Gees.

Peace.

wtf

I don't know how to describe how I feel.
This week has just been really weird.
Went extremely fast for me though.
My emotions have just gone on a roller coaster.
I blame it to my lack of sleep.
Not sleeping does a lot of weird things to your mind.
You forget stuff.
You don't realize what you say or do.
Everything feels like a dream.
And when you dream, you can't tell what's real.
Being stuck between dreams and reality.
That's how I feel.
I find it hard to fall asleep.
I need to change this about me.
I think if I got more sleep I wouldn't have to smoke as much either.
Because then I wouldn't feel so tired or sad.
Looking forward to this weekend sort of.
Snowboarding is the only thing I really have planned.
Climb, Basketball, Swap Meet, Compassio tomorrow.
Saturday: Worship, Sleep.
Sunday: Homework.
Monday: Snowboarding! hopefully.
I really wish I continued with piano instead of violin.
I want my hair to grow back lol.
Being DI was actually pretty fun today.
I've been really weird lately.
I'm going crazy.
Ok.
Laters gee.
Peace.

A hoy

Today was absolute trash..
Although last night was freaking awesome..
Had a really deep talk with Ronan and Aaron.
Got just a few hours of sleep.
I really don't know how to describe how I feel right now.
But one thing for sure is disappointment and anger at the fact
that I'm still letting something like that bothering.
I need to move on. Why do I make it so hard for myself?
Drill..hmmmm.
Yeah.
I just need to let some steam off..couldn't go climbing because I had to study for math..
So well here you go blogger. Eat my shit. Literally.
Make me feel better because I have no one else to talk to right now or to confide in.
I really should get a psychologist or therapist or something.
I feel like I'm losing a grip on my life and reality right now.
hmmmm..
Well this is the last time. Hopefully.

Laters gee

Peace

Oh PUC

You were good to me. But bad. Your food gave me indigestion. But it tasted good.
Giunis was amazing.. I would go up north just for those sandwiches. omg. Orgasm.
The trip was alright I guess. I had fun. Even though it was really boring most of
the times.. the night times were the best. I'm gonna miss you Justin.
Good talks.
Snow Globe. Enough said.
I don't even know why I keep writing on here.
Probably because I have no one else to talk to.
No one understands me like you blogger because you're me.
Will probably never step foot on that campus again.
Hopefully I don't end up going there.
There's one thing I need to set straight before the end of the year though.
I should probably do it soon.
ugh I hate this feeling of going to school the next day after coming back from a good trip.. like vacation, choir tour, havasu, anything.
Chilled with Greg afterwards. at In-n-Out.
then in my car. the usual..
hmmm.
Every time I go on here, it just makes me realize all the things I don't have.
I think I'm going to stop.
But I need an outlet for all my frustrations and everything..hmmm..
The trade-offs..
Going to Thresh tomorrow..
Need to cool off..
Fuck college english..
Thank you Muse for being my saving grace.

And Thank You Jesus for always being with me even when I fall all the time. I thank you so much for never giving up on me and continuing to bless me with life everyday. Please keep my father strong as he is really sick right now. And I understand that I can't have everything. Thank you again for everything. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

hmmm...
I hate feeling like this.. I really do. I am so pathetic. I really am. I am the worst of them all. THE absolute WORST.
I hate myself.
No I don't. I love myself. Just some parts I hate a lot. A lot. I wish I could cut that part away. Excise that part. But then I wouldn't be whole and I would just be a piece and a lie.
omg I am going crazy. Someone save me. Why am I like this?
eff.
GOing to sleep. Now.

Laters gees.
Hopefully the last time. Ever.
At least until something I've been waiting for to happen happens.
Peace.