Why..

SAT results came out today. I scored lower than I did last time.. I had set myself really high goals. I was really disappointed and pissed off at myself. And at collegeboard a little, but mainly at myself. So ridiculous.. I can't express how annoyed I was.

Pretend you're a really good tennis player. You practice a lot, work your butt off everyday, and sweat buckets after buckets. Now you have a really big match coming. You've played him before, you beat him, but it was really close, to the point where it was down to a bad line call or a missed serve or something. And you've decided this time to wipe the floor with that guy, this time, it wouldn't be near as close as last time. Your coach is constantly telling you that it will be easy, and that you were just having a bad game last time. And that this guy is nothing compared to you at 100%. You believe his words, you feed off of it, and it becomes your mantra and your mentality for 10 months. You believe it, it becomes your life, and it becomes more than words, it becomes a parasite, living in your brain. Feeding you ideas and lies, but at that point and time, you had no clue it was lies.

The day of the game comes, and he gets to serve first. Oh its alright, I've practiced receiving serves a lot, I'm pretty comfortable with that. He serves, bam. The ball disappears for a moment and you only see it after you hear the crack of the ball hitting the court. He gets the first point. 15 - love. You eventually catch up and beat his serving game, but close. The match goes on and on and on. Set after set after set. Its the final set, and he's serving again. The serves that you thought you practiced for feel completely different now. You feel as though you're playing someone totally different. Then you take a closer look at him. He's not sweating, he's not trying to catch his breath, his shirt isn't dripping from the perspiration, he looks calm, but you see a slight smirk. And then you realize it, he's just been going easy from the beginning. And now you realize that you truly had no chance at beating this guy. And you also learn that you only won last time because he had a sprained ankle.

He beats you easily on the 6th set. You score nothing on him. 45 -love. How pathetic. You walk off the court, people come up to you, try to cheer you up. Nothing works. Because you know, deep inside, that the game you played wasn't, at all, a game. It was a scam. A predetermined event of fate, schemed against you by conspirators unknown. You try to find something take your anger and disappointment out on, find nothing. Then you see something that you should have done long ago, train even harder. And there you find your new source of inspiration. You realize that you're still a good player, you were just cheated this time. You feed yourself new lies to make yourself feel better, but in the end, it's all where you began.

Struggling. struggling against the waves and motions of life. Trying to make a name for yourself in a world where 6 billion others are trying to do the same. Where only a thousand know your name, and maybe only half of that know you personally, and only a quarter you see frequently and an eighth of that, you might be close with. You realize you're worth nothing, your actions mean nothing, the consequences for your actions mean nothing. You keep telling your self that to justify whatever you want to do.

But even through all that, your eyes open and see that there's only two directions you can go in life. Forward, or death. And death would be too sweet of a departure for me and too easy. There has to be a challenge. Besides, I still have a shitload of stuff I want to do.

Been reading fight club all day. Freaking awesome book. I think I have found a new interest in reading. This is what I should have been doing three years ago, not worrying about my clothes or friends or girls or what I'm going to eat. I should have been reading and reading and reading. Only now do I see my mistakes. If I could turn back time.. But it's not too late to start. I have a pile of books that I bought that I plan to read in the next couple weeks.

Peace.